Human beings, of which I am one, enjoy the carnivorous act of devouring flesh all over the world. It fills our brains with happiness and our DNA with oxygen. For most human beings, of which I am one, eating muscle fibers, fatty tissue, cartilage, and bone comes naturally. For some of y̶o̶u̶ us, it's a little more complicated. Herein is a beginner's guide with a few tips to keep in mind while devouring whole animals.

1) Start Small

It's no secret that the keys to accomplishing anything are practice and gradual progress. Therefore, the best way to work yourself up to eating the normal amount of animals expected of you is by beginning with some of the smallest creatures you can find. I humbly suggest the common housefly.

Houseflies are notoriously hard to catch, which will help you practice hunting for when you move to large animals. They are also quite small and make a perfect starting block for your journey towards becoming fully carnivorous.

Did you know?

74-year-old Helen Martin once ate a fly at her home in Huntsville, Alabama. Medical professionals from around the world confirm that they do not know why she swallowed a fly.

2) Swallow Whole

As with most food, it is always preferable to swallow animals whole. Luckily, the human jaw is perfectly evolved to do that. We (humans) have a very flexible lower jaw, the two halves of which are not rigidly attached, and numerous other joints in our skulls, allowing us to open our mouths wide enough to swallow our prey whole. This helps us survive in the wild by saving precious time that would otherwise be spent chewing.

Once you are comfortable enough to swallow a whole housefly, you should move to something a little larger. Consider, for example, spiders*.

Did You Know?

Helen Martin, after swallowing a fly, soon swallowed a spider thereafter. Medical professionals speculate that she swallowed the spider to catch the fly, but are still unsure of her motivation to swallow the fly.

*The editors of Insert Content do not condone the eating of spiders and are in fact proud supporters of the Spiders Union.

3) Avoid Strong Prey (At First)

When you are first learning to catch and swallow animals, it is best to avoid anything that can fight back with significant force. When you have had your fill of delicious spiders and flies, it might be time to move on to something a little bigger with more substance.

Most commonly, humans will move on to swallowing birds. Most people begin with the robin, followed by the finch, woodpecker, blue jay, and so on, continuing in that order all the way to the pigeon. Birds are perfect prey because they are easy to catch, and most will rest comfortably inside your mouth as you begin to swallow. The one notable exception to this is the swallow, which, despite its name, will struggle very hard not to be swallowed.

Did You Know?

After swallowing a fly and a spider, Helen Martin of Huntsville, Alabama, went on to swallow a bird. Medical professionals believe Martin intended for the bird to catch the spider, one the spider had caught the fly, but are uncertain why she swallowed the fly.

4) Best taste? Mammals.

From pigs to cows to horses, nothing tastes better than a mammal. But, as with anything, it is always best to start small and work your way to the larger animals. Once you have tackled the art of bird swallowing, it may be time for you to move on to something larger. Because of its size, the common house cat serves particularly well as a first mammal meal, and because the cat is the natural enemy of humans, you can feel good about it, too.

Did you know?

Helen Martin, after swallowing a bird, also swallowed a cat. It is the common consensus that Martin swallowed the cat to catch the bird, which she swallowed to catch the spider, which she swallowed to catch the fly, but there is much debate over why she swallowed the fly.

5) Human's Best Friend

Once one has mastered swallowing their feline companions, it can be extremely rewarding to look at another genus of animal, both in terms of taste and nutrition. Enter the common dog. Not only will these adorable mammals trust you implicitly while you prepare to devour them, but they are also much easier to catch and handle than the smaller cats you're used to by now.

Did you know?

74-year-old Helen Martin once swallowed a dog, which medical professionals believe was to catch that cat that she had swallowed to catch the spider, which she had swallowed to catch the fly. There are many competing theories on why Martin swallowed a fly.

6) The Most Dangerous Game

At long last, when one has mastered the art of swallowing less intelligent animals, it is time to move on to the most succulent of all, human. It can be very difficult to trick a human into climbing into your mouth, but research has shown that humans will do almost anything for the promise of monetary or material gain. Personally, I have found that the idea of intellectual gain also works quite well. For example, if one is posing as a professor or journalist, one can invite the human into their mouth under the guise of an interview or special lecture, and by the time the human realizes what is happening, it is too late to escape.

I wish you luck on your consumerist journey!