How To: Sports
You will find in life that one of the most important things to understand is sports.
If you know the ins and outs of sports and sports competitors, opportunities will open for you, and life will give you lemons. The good kind, to make delicious lemonade.
Your crush will like you better, your parents won’t be so disappointed in you, teachers will give you better grades so you don’t have to quit the team, and some day you could make millions of dollars to play inconsequential games with other adults while legions of commoners watch.
So what is sports?
Sports is a game in which the primary objective is to earn sports points, which can be exchanged for a prize at the end of the game. These prizes often include sports cars, sports jerseys, and sports shoes.
Because sports is a national affair, it is very often televised to allow viewers around the world to yell at their television screens over trivial athletics. This helps to keep them indoors and docile.
The rules of sports are fairly simple, especially when one is aware of the jargon used. While not a conclusive list by any means, below are some of the more important terms.
Foul - noun. The process which occurs during a sports in which one player has a romantic crush on another player. When one player is attracted to another, they will foul the player, which often gives them some advantage.
Coach - noun. The coach is the father of the quarterback. Coaches may use either a spell focus or a component pouch to cast their known cantrips.
Seeker - noun. The seeker is the player on the sports team whose job it is to find the sports ball. This has little to no effect on the game.
Yard Line - noun. Sports fields are measured in a unit of measurement called yard lines. Each regulation size sports field is exactly twelve yard lines long, four yard lines deep, and two yard lines wide. Some fields are between 2 and five yard lines off the ground, but there are no rules regarding the elevation of the field.
Quarterback - noun. Quarterbacks are players on the team who have the most money. Their father becomes the coach. Because sports players are offered many endorsement deals and often make many investments, the coach and quarterback may sometimes change multiple times during a game.
Ref - noun. A term used to refer to people who volunteer at sports events as the result of a court order. Observers at sports events will often yell and throw things at the refs, as is tradition. Some scholars have posited that refs are similar to modern day court jesters. They are easy to identify by their zebra costumes.
Points - noun. Points is the currency used by sports players to purchase cosmetic gear. Points is earned by doing household chores and errands for the opposing team’s coach.
Foam Finger - noun. Foam fingers are devices used by the audience of a sports game to point at the sports ball, thereby helping the seekers find the ball.
While the game of sports is a complex and intricate activity which requires many years of study to grasp, the fundamentals provided in this article are sure to help you around the office or at your next barbecue. Remember: if you are unsure of anything during a discussion of sports, simply make a casual remark about how you have concerns about "this year's defense."
