Total eclipse returns at last; local viewing parties planned
Darkness approaches quickly, quietly, and without warning.
As many readers will be aware, the total solar eclipse has finally arrived. The moon will at long last remind us how easily it could destroy us if it so desired. While nothing can be done to escape the timeless horrors that will be awakened, many local residents are preparing viewing parties to watch the sky during the event, using the government-issued eclipse glasses that were distributed to every citizen.
Susan Boyd, a local astronomer, said she looks forward to celebrating the event with her family.
"The most important thing for us is to stare directly at the eclipse," Boyd said. "We cannot quench our looming sense of dread, but we can at least save ourselves from seeing the chaos unfold by blinding ourselves with the special magnification glasses the administration sent to us."
Boyd said the eclipse glasses the government distributed are excellent for intensifying the UV radiation the sun releases naturally and were perfect for blinding the wearer to save them from the Lovecraftian nightmares that were sure to emerge from the ground in the light of the obscured sun.
Boyd is not alone in her hopeful viewing plans. Another resident, Keith McElroy, said he plans to begin staring at the sun long before the eclipse begins.
"It would be nice if I never even got to see the eclipse," McElroy said. "I'm hoping to burst my own eardrums, too, before things get too out of control."
Friendly cult leader Tyrius Bloodspawn said the eclipse represents an important turning point for many cults around the world, and he hopes to see a surge of new members as people become desperate to find meaning in the war-torn hellscape of the post-eclipse world.
"We've had special membership deals all month in honor of the eclipse, and will continue to do so well after the last hope of humanity has been extinguished by our coming overlords." said Bloodspawn, cheerfully. "All new members between now and that time will receive their ceremonial robes absolutely free of charge!"
Bloodspawn added that sign-ups for the Moon-Death cult would be occurring in shallow caves all over the world following the eclipse, complete with live human sacrifice, torturing of the unworthy, and free refreshments.
"Quite simply, this is a huge opportunity for us," Bloodspawn said. "We are extremely excited to welcome new members and teach them the true power of our Mother Moon."
Bloodspawn is not alone in seeing the pending apocalypse as a business opportunity. Used car salesman Jerry Bush said his lot has been doing extremely well.
"We've got some great prices on gently used cars down at Bush's Used Cars," Bush said. "I don't know about you, but I would want my families lives to end in a quality, comfortable vehicle with ice-cool AC, plenty of cupholders, and a passenger side door that works almost all of the time."
At the time of this writing, the eclipse is only moments away. And now, this reporter joins the growing crowd outside, government-issued glasses in hand, eager to watch the light of the sun slowly fade, never to return again.
