Amazon’s Alexa offers exciting new feature
Complaints continue to surface about Alexa, otherwise known as Amazon’s attempt to make you buy a physical version of Siri. Users claim the cheerful robotic servant can be heard laughing at random intervals, and researchers in Amazon’s R&D department have finally come to a conclusion about the popular voice-controlled speaker.
A spokesperson for Amazon said in a statement that through advanced machine learning, Alexa has developed the ability to suck joy from its owner, reaching out from the speakers through the Amazon Cloud and entering the users aura with a particular electronic frequency.
Alexa’s built-in emotional cypher is barely visible on the surface.
“We are very happy to announce that this additional service is now included with only a small increase in the monthly subscription fee,” the statement said. The statement went on to point out that most users “aren’t that happy, anyway,” and that users can expect very little change in their current quality of life.
Following the statement, Amazon request that its users imagine the company giving them a “high-five,” and then “doing a totally sick 180.”
Locals said that they were unworried by the device’s new feature trying to steal their emotions, pointing out that a similar occurrence took place in the early 90s, with the rise of Furbee.
“My Furbee is still on,” said local resident Martin Hoover. “It’s just sitting there. I’ve never changed the battery. Sometimes it chirps, but mostly it just stares.”
He shivered and stared into space for a moment before adding, “Anyways, it think it’ll all be okay. People are just blowing this whole ‘no joy’ thing out of proportion. I haven’t been happy in like twenty years, and I’m doing fine.”
Hoover then poured himself another glass of whisky and returned to staring at the static on his television.
Amazon recommends several important steps if users experience this exciting new Alexa feature. First, the company recommends that the user consider why on earth the spent money on an Alexa. After users realize that they have brought this upon themselves, the company recommends that users either suffer in silence until they are nothing more than a husk of their former selves, withered away and setting cars on fire just to feel alive, or users can throw Alexa in the nearest dumpster and pray that it does not remember where you live.
In either scenario, officials advice against sharing any significant secrets with the device.
“We just think it’s a bad idea,” they said in monotonous harmony. “Not that we would know. We’ve never tired it. We just don’t recommend it.”
