Warning: Potentially lethal levels of love detected in the air
Citizens are advised to remain indoors for the next 24 hours.
”Love is actually one of the most dangerous forms of virus,” said Dr. Alberta Jones, lead contagion officer for the Center. “Not because it’s immediately fatal, but because it is fairly addictive, often leaving victims who have had even a small amount longing for more.”
CDC agents risk their lives to conduct research during elevated levels of love.
Jones said unlike most addictive substances, which create the strongest cravings shortly after initial exposure, love cannot be cleansed through detoxification, and will actually cause stronger and stronger cravings as more time passes after the initial dosage.
“I have no doubt that many people will flood into the streets, taking in as much love as they can,” Jones said. “We’re doing everything we can to contain this, but we are still projecting a death toll in the thousands.”
Richard Willams, a spokesperson for the Governmental Office of Romance and Relationships, said under the circumstances, the office would be allowing a rare one-day extension to the deadline for the annual Valentine’s bill.
”As we all know, Valentine’s Day is an important day to share our love and gratitude to the government by tallying our romantic encounters on the government-issued Valentine’s cards and paying the appropriate amount,” Willams said. “This year, however, due to the life-threatening levels of love in the air, the office will be accepting payments postmarked as late as February 15th.”
The one-day extension comes with a sigh of relief from some local residents.
Madison Heller, a local college student, said she intended to remain indoors on the 14th, taking advantage of the extra day to avoid any unnecessary exposure to love.
“The last thing I need is something like that in my system,” Heller said. “My roommate last year was exposed to love, and when she couldn’t afford to pay off her Valentine’s bill, the government sent a Cupid to kill her with its bow. I can still hear its horrible screeching in my nightmares.”
Heller said the experience served as a wonderful lesson.
”Now I try to only participate in romantic activities throughout the year that I know I will be able to afford when February rolls around,” Heller said.
For more information on love and its symptoms, as well as other potential threats, citizens are encouraged to consult their government-mandated information guide “The Dangers of Going Outside.”