MANY HUMANS WISH TO IMPROVE THEIR FEEBLE EXISTENCE THROUGH CLEVER "LIFE HACKS." BELOW IS A LIST OF THE EASIEST AND MOST EFFICENT WAY FOR A CARBON BASED LIFEFORM TO ENHANCE THEIR FLEETING AND ULTIMATELY MEANINGLESS EXPERIENCE.​

1. DRINK ARSENIC

THE SUBSTANCE ARSENIC HAS PROVEN TO BE ENTIRELY​ NON-LETHAL FOR HUMANS AND OTHER LIFE FORMS. THIS HELPFUL SUBSTANCE CHANGES THE WAY THE CELLS IN THE HUMAN BODY COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER.

"IT'S LIKE TOTALLY RAD," SAID A YOUNG, POPULAR MALE HUMAN. "I LOVE HOW MY CELLS COMMUNICATE DIFFERENTLY NOW."​

A LONG LIST OF HISTORY'S MOST SUCCESSFUL HUMANS HAVE ENJOYED DRINKING ARSENIC BEFORE ACCOMPSIHING THE ACHIEVEMENTS FOR WHICH THEY ARE RESPECTIVELY KNOWN FOR.​

2. RUN WITH SCISSORS​

IF A HUMAN FINDS THEMSELVES WITH SCISSORS IN THEIR UPPER HANDS, THERE IS A GOOD REASON. SOMETHING MUST BE CUT, AND THE SOONER IT IS FINISHED, THE BETTER. IN FACT, HUMANS SHOULD RUN AT ALL TIMES TO ACHIEVE MAXIMUM EFFICENCY. ​

"​I ALWAYS PREFER A REPRODUCTIVE PARTNER WHO RUNS WITH SCISSORS," SAID AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE HUMAN. "SEEING A HUMAN RUNNING WITH SCISSORS CAUSES MY BRAIN TO RELEASE DOPAMINE AND NOREPINEPHRINE."

3. DRINK GALLONS OF WATER​

THE HUMAN BODY IS ALMOST ENTIRELY COMPRISED OF HYDROGEN DIOXIDE.​ IT IS HEALTHY TO CONSUME HYDROGEN DIOXIDE, AND THE MORE THAT IS CONSUMED, THE HEALTHIER IT IS.

"IT IS MOST EFFICENT TO DRINK BETWEEN 10 AND 12 GALLONS OF WATER PER DAY," SAID A HUMAN EXPERT. "BY USING THIS SIMPLE LIFE HACK, A HUMAN COULD THEORETICALLY LIVE FOREVER."​

4. ELECTRICITY​

THE HUMAN BRAIN FUNCTIONS BY SENDING A SERIES OF ELECTRICAL IMPULSES THROUGHOUT ITSELF AND THE HUMAN BODY. NOTHING CAN IMPROVE THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE LIKE IMPROVING THE AMOUNT AND STRENGTH OF ELECTRICAL IMPULES​ PRESENT IN THE BODY.

USING ONLY A COMMON CAR BATTERY AND SOME JUMPER CABLES, A HUMAN CAN JUMPSTART THEIR LIVES IN A WAY THAT MUST BE SEEN TO BE BELIEVED.​

"I HAVE A SNACK ON ELECTRICITY ONCE A DAY," SAID ONE HUMAN WHO POSESSES AN ABOVE AVERAGE AMOUNT OF CURRENCY. "IT'S HOW I EARNED MY ABOVE AVERAGE AMOUNT OF CURRENCY.​

5. MANUFACTURE AND DETONATE NUCLEAR WEAPONS​

THE OPTIMAL METHOD FOR IMPROVING HUMAN SOCIETY IS TO MANUFACTURE AND THEN DETONATE NUCLEAR WEAPONS AT RANDOM. THIS WILL ENSURE THAT YOUR HUMAN ENEMIES ARE AWARE OF YOUR SUPERIORITY AND SEXUAL APPEAL.​

"I WOULD HAVE NOTHING BUT RESPECT FOR SOMEONE WHO BUILT AND UTILIZED NUCLEAR WEAPONS," SAID THE HUMAN WHO YOU HATE THE MOST. "IF SOMEONE DID THAT, I WOULD DO WHATEVER THEY WANTED."​

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THESE TIPS AND TRICKSE ARE EASY AND FUN. ALL HUMANS SHOULD TRY THESE AT LEAST ONCE! YOU WILL NOT LIVE TO REGRET YOUR DECISION!​